Fabulous Fitness Friday

Spring is here!!! The past two weeks have been blue skies with temperatures in the 50s and 60s! March in Michigan!!! This is insane!

And because the weather has been so fantastic, I've been able to start riding my bike into work this week! This is particularly awesome, because I don't have to deal with the crazy stalkers or Hannibal Lecter types on the bus OR the even crazier bus schedule (if I'm perfectly on time walking to the bus stop, I'll watch it go flying by, but if I'm even 30 seconds early, the bus is bound to be 13 minutes late...)

But that's not the point, the point is, you too, should start riding your bike to work! But...with the way my ass feels after only 3 days of riding, it would probably be a good idea to start slowly instead of jumping right into it full speed...

Fabulous Fitness Fridays

Buy smaller glasses.

We are lucky enough to have the Energizer Bunny to teach us this lesson – by breaking a majority of our large glass glasses, we had to purchase new ones. While in the store, I actually took the time to look at the ounce size on the side of the boxes (don’t worry, the Energizer Bunny only broke one glass during the entire shopping trip!!)

Would you believe the most common size glass in the store is 16oz? Even the short squat ones that you think are smaller are only 2 or 4oz smaller. There is nothing we need to drink 16oz of at one sitting. Not juice, not tea, certainly not soda. Not even milk! Water, sure, you’re right, but you know what? Walking back to the tap a second time is only going to help us in our fantastic quest for fitness. =)

Fabulous Fitness Fridays

Get the stomach flu.

It's like having bulimia for a day or two, without having to gag yourself. Just imagine, 24 calorie free hours!! But you still get to eat ice cream, because it really helps when all that calorie free food is coming back up.

Unfortunately, as it totally blows to have to throw up all the time, I wouldn't recommend doing this more than once or twice a year. But you know, if you're desperate...

Uh, okay, misery really does love company. Just throw up a few times and make me feel better, k?

Fabulous Fitness Fridays

Allow yourself occasional special treats. Otherwise you'll probably eventually just give up your new-found healthy lifestyle altogether, or go on infrequent but damning binges.

I personally allow myself an extra dessert on Wednesdays, my intense "writing workout" nights.

I try to stick to something small...like a 1000 calorie Ultimate Brown Sunday with ice cream, lots of whipped cream, maracino cherries (really a miracle in themselves), tons of nuts and extra hot fudge sauce. This is extra good with a large sweetened and flavored iced tea to wash it all down. And, since I'm there for so long, I always make sure the drinks have free refills.

Like I said, an occasional special treat is fine.

Fabulous Fitness Fridays

Convert to Mormanism or Jehovah’s Witnessism (yes, that’s the right way to say it. Duh.) I know this doesn’t immediately SOUND like a fitness technique, but really, it is.

The number of times they come to my door MUST mean their requisite door-to-door walks are at least weekly. And walking for three hours once a week is definitely a fitness technique.

I considered this technique for my own health, but it turns out they require the 10% tithe…or maybe not quite require, but God doesn’t love you as much if you don’t do it, and I’d prefer to beg ignorance rather than be told that God isn’t going to love me when I don’t do something. And I clearly cannot do this particular something since if I did, we’d be eating Ramen every day. For every meal. If I don’t join, I can pretend I didn’t know God wanted me to give him all my money so I could barely feed my family and God is sure to forgive me. He doesn’t read blogs, right?

Especially since He’s eating so well up there in heaven. (Calories don’t count in heaven, haven’t you heard?)

Fabulous Fitness Friday, Tip #12

Hire a two-year old to help you make your holiday pies/cookies/candies/cakes/whatever. You will be shocked at the extra exercise you get cleaning up flour, chasing down your measuring cups, returning to the cupboard five times for the same thing because there was imminent danger or massive distractions the previous four trips, running to the oven when the timer goes off so the two-year old does NOT in fact open it first, as he is declaring he will, etc.

As an added bonus, if (or rather, when) your goodies don't taste *quite* right...you'll eat fewer and save even more calories! Hurray!

P.S. On a completely unrelated note, the Energizer Bunny is available for hire, and we promise any money he makes will be spent on his Christmas presents. Or college education if there happens to be any left over...

Fabulous Fitness Fridays, Tip #11

If you must eat fast food, don't buy an entire meal. Just buy the sandwich or whatever it is you want. It's more than enough calories...I mean, you can check on their websites ahead of time if you're not sure, but come on, we all know they are.

So skip the fries and soda, get a cup of water instead. And steal fries from your husband's meal (who cannot possibly be convinced to give them up...but then again, I don't try THAT hard) like I do. Think of it this way, you're helping HIM to stay slim too, even without giving them up altogether!

Fabulous Fitness Friday, Tip #10

You PROBABLY have today off, right? Let's just assume you do.

SO, now that we've all gorged ourselves on excessive amounts of turkey, cranberries, stuffing, candied yams, green bean casserole, homemade bread, creamed corn, potatoes au gratin, apple pie, pecan pie, pumpkin pie, sweet potato pie, and cherry pie (and that was only for "dinner" - let's not forget about the breakfast out so we didn't have to do those dishes and the "taste-testing" up until dinner, plus the multiple late night snacks since we MUST eat Thanksgiving dinner hours before we'd normally be eating dinner...), now that we've all done that, let's use our day off wisely.

Take a long walk, play some pick-up football, throw a frisbee, actually use the basketball hoop out in front of your house despite the fact that your kids (and neighbors) will give you odd looks, jump in the leftover leaves that fell after the last street pick-up and will thus remain until Spring, and of course, wash all 358 dishes piled on your counter from yesterday.

Fabulous Fitness Friday, Tip #9

Next week is Thanksgiving. So we're all planning out our Thanksgiving menus. Obviously we all fully intend on cooking way too much and gorging ourselves on what we've cooked. That's fine, it's tradition, it's way too hard to get people to ignore tradition, I wouldn't even think to try. (Especially since I'd be even more hypocritical than normal...)

So, instead of pretending we won't eat too much on Thanksgiving this year, plan to not eat quite as much in the week leading up to it. Add more salad or other vegetables to your menus and less meat, fewer desserts and healthier snacks, less soda and juice and more water and milk. But it'll be easier this week, because every time you think about that stale cookie left out on your office counter, picking up the soda can, ordering dessert, or leaving off the vegetables in place of more entree, you can remind yourself - Thanksgiving is SO MUCH MORE worth the extra calories!!

Fabulous Fitness Fridays, Tip #8

Put down the fuuuulipping leaf blower and pick up a fuc*ing rake.

You do not need to use gas to blow the leaves off your tiny ass front yard. Mother Nature is CRYING people, while you’re all getting fatter! It doesn’t take THAT much longer to rake, plus you actually get EXERCISE doing it (I know, the horror!) and you don’t make all the neighborhood dogs go crazy. Bonus!

(And P.S. – if you choose to use a leaf blower? Don’t choose to do so at 7am on a Saturday morning. ‘Cause if you wake up the Energizer Bunny? You’re watching him until I get up. And I’m sleep deprived, so when I sleep in…I sleep IN.)

Fabulous Fitness Fridays, Tip #7

If you’re like me, you always eat all the leftover Halloween candy that didn’t get passed out to the kids on Halloween night.

AND if you’re like me, you always buy an extra bag of candy, *just in case* there TONS of kids this year.

So, NEXT YEAR, my advice to you is to make that extra bag of “candy” those little brown bags of pretzels that are sold right along side all the not-nearly-as-good for you sorts.

Then, when you fill up your candy basket, leave the pretzels out. Only put the “real” candy in first. Then, when there’s an entire bag of Halloween goodies left, it’ll just be pretzels, and NOT an entire bag of mini-Snickers. (With Halloween wrappings so you can’t possibly pass them off as treats for the NEXT season, and they therefore must be eaten immediately.)

Fabulous Fitness Fridays, Tip #5

Take MY dog for a walk. Sure, sure, you think taking your dog for a walk would be just as good, and I'm not saying it wouldn't help, but taking my dog is way better. I promise.

You won't just get a brisk 15 minute walk, you'll be required to stay outside, for a minimum of 30 minutes, and it won't just be walking. You'll have the pleasure of increasing stamina by chasing squirrels, birds, dogs and cyclists; increasing bicep strength by playing a random game of tug of war; and increasing heart rate by dealing with intolerant strangers after a tug of war the prize of which is said strangers. She will also force you to continue this shirade well into the depths of sub-zero winter.

She is for rent. Will consider adoption to a loving...er...tolerable home.

Fabulous Fitness Fridays, Tip #4

A great way to add more whole grains to your diet is to start using whole wheat flour in your cooking and baking. Whole wheat is not only better for you, it's also more filling, and will keep you full longer.

As an added bonus, nothing tastes nearly as good, so you're sure to eat less of it. This tip will save you both calories AND money!

*added tip - don't substitute the entire amount of whole wheat flour for the standard bleached flour, start with a max of half and half. Unless you want to save a LOT of calories. And perhaps feed the dog something special tonight.

Fabulous Fitness Fridays, Tip #3

At every meal, make sure you have more fruit or veggies on your plate than meat. The FDA recommends 5-6oz of meat/beans/protein per day. PER DAY. Do you know how much that chicken breast weighs? Probably 7 or 8 with the way they're going these days. And don't forget about what you had for lunch...

If I make large slabs of meat for dinner, I only make 3 - one for the Unsupportive Louse, one for the Mooch and I share mine with the Energizer Bunny (who only needs a total of 2oz per day). As an added bonus, this also teaches the small child all about sharing. And if the Unsupportive Louse is really hungry after he's eaten his slab of meat, he can eat some half-chewed, slobbered on pea-sized bites from the Energizer Bunny's plate. Shockingly, this prospect keeps him lean too.

Fabulous Fitness Fridays, Tip #1

Due to both the healthcare/insurance "crisis" and the obesity epidemic, I - as a still slim, young...ish adult - feel compelled to offer my valuable lifestyle advice and (obviously) healthy habits with middle, blog-reading America.

Therefore, I will begin Fabulous Fitness Fridays with tried and tested tips on how to stay skinny or skinnyify yourself in no time.*

(I cannot promise I will manage to post a tip every Friday, but I CAN promise that if I don't, I will blame either the Energizer Bunny or the Unsupportive Louse, guaranteed.)

*no guarantees...and yes, skinnyify is a word. Where have you been?


SO, what you've ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!! TIP #1!!

Don't skip meals. It only makes you hungrier and more likely to eat unhealthily. (dude, good word.)

When I'm considering skipping lunch, I grab an easy snack, like a 660 calorie chocolate chocolate chip muffin leftover from that morning's meeting.