Saturday, February 27, 2010

Abandoned Blog

Obnoxious Teenager Blogreader #1: Dude, does anyone even live here? I swear I haven't seen movement in like...weeks.

Obnoxious Teenager Blogreader #2: No, man, I think the place is abandoned.

Obnoxious Teenager Blogreader #1: Really? You think?

Obnoxious Teenager Blogreader #2: Betcha anything. Watch this. (Proceeds to throw stones at computer screen.)

Friendly Neighborhood Blogger: Hey, you kids leave that poor blog alone!

Obnoxious Teenage Blogreaders log off for their lives.

Jokes on you, kids, I couldn't see any cracks on this screen through the fingerprint smudge and grime of the Energizer Bunny even if it WEREN'T plastic and shatter proof.

Understanding has occurred to me why there aren't all that many single parent bloggers in the blogosphere. It's because they're too f*ing tired!! (All single parents should feel free to brag about yourselves if you even have time to read this...)

Friday, February 19, 2010

Fabulous Fitness Fridays

Buy smaller glasses.

We are lucky enough to have the Energizer Bunny to teach us this lesson – by breaking a majority of our large glass glasses, we had to purchase new ones. While in the store, I actually took the time to look at the ounce size on the side of the boxes (don’t worry, the Energizer Bunny only broke one glass during the entire shopping trip!!)

Would you believe the most common size glass in the store is 16oz? Even the short squat ones that you think are smaller are only 2 or 4oz smaller. There is nothing we need to drink 16oz of at one sitting. Not juice, not tea, certainly not soda. Not even milk! Water, sure, you’re right, but you know what? Walking back to the tap a second time is only going to help us in our fantastic quest for fitness. =)

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Single Parenting is Cake

Seriously, I don’t know what all these single moms have been complaining about for years.

The Unsupportive Louse has been writing his thesis these past few weeks, as it seems his lifelong stint as a student is about to come to an end, of course the only reason you should care about this fact right now is because it leaves me as an almost single parent.

So, the Energizer Bunny and I have been having a grand time, just the two of us. And I’ve decided being a single parent is really quite easy.

The Energizer Bunny always gets a well-balanced diet – as long as you count processed cheese as dairy, freeze-dried packaged vegetables as real food, graham crackers as a source of grains and fruit snacks as fruit (they ARE Welchs; made with real fruit AND no high fructose corn syrup!!)

And the Energizer Bunny always gets plenty of exercise, for though I can’t be entirely sure what my 2 ½ year old is doing out in the backyard without me, as I really don’t have the time to watch him, I’m sure it involves movement (and movement is always exercise, right?), and that doesn’t even include the putting on and taking off of jackets and boots and hats and gloves and the help he gives me cleaning up all the snow he’s tracked all over the hardwood floor… I DO know that the couch and armchairs can double as trampolines and serving bowls can effectively become basketball hoops and stairs can work perfectly well as a sledding hill.

He always gets to bed on time…or somewhere near bedtime. As long as an hour past is still considered “somewhere near,” and as long as getting to bed doesn’t necessarily include the actual act of going to sleep.

He is bathed regularly. At least every 3rd day, but come on, it’s not like we don’t wash his hands constantly. Or at very least after he goes potty. And just because the 3rd day happens to coincide with the evenings the Unsupportive Louse comes home just before bedtime (or, you know, slightly after) doesn’t really mean I couldn’t have done it by myself.

The house is absolutely SPOTLESS, if you compare it to Ms. Cleanly and Mr. Communicative's...

And personally, I think my hair looks very nice when it’s greasy. It’s a fashion statement I’m sure will catch on soon. And there’s no hygienic or other real reason to shave my legs more than monthly. And I’m fairly certain my lack of progress at work has nothing to do with my lack of sleep.

And of course, all real single moms are sure to get the one night off a week (free of charge) that the Unsupportive Louse generously allows me, plus a free handy-man (albeit a rather incompetent one) who can rub his chin and nod at the little problems that arise during the rest of the week – like the sliding glass door that won’t close or the ridiculous draft coming in from the garage door, or the car that just won’t start one morning – and effectively fix them just by the virtue of being a man and having been told.

So really, all you single parents out there, my hat’s off to you.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Meaning of Life

We all know how two-year olds love their "Why?"s and the Energizer Bunny is no different.

So I can't say I was shocked last night after rushing to his bedside following a torturous scream of "MOOOOOOMMMAAA!" his first word to me was, "Why?"

Sighing, I asked, "Why what, kiddo?"

"Why WHY?" came the sad, desperate question.

And really, how does one answer such a question?