Thursday, February 19, 2009

Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day. The one day you can successfully guilt trip your man into buying you flowers or diamonds or chocolates, taking you out to a ridiculously overpriced dinner, or some other such romantic nonsense.

Do I personally think it’s nonsense? Do I personally take advantage of such an cheesy over-commercialized day? Absolutely! To both questions.

But how ELSE would I get my completely non-romantic, absolutely cheese-free, incredibly frugal, jeans and t-shirt wearing man, to dress up, take me out, spend lots of money on me, AND buy me presents. I tell you, it has to be done. The guilting of Valentine’s Day is here to stay.

But it’s all right, he gets some good loving out of it. And a gift or two of his own that he never would have bought for himself. Never would have needed if he’d been single. Cologne, silk boxers with hearts on them, yet another tie, a watch that never gets worn because it’s “too nice,” a pair of sheets. Really, more or less, his gift is also for me. What better holiday could Americans possibly come up with? The man’s gift is SUPPOSED to be for the woman too? America, I love you.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Phil the Groundhog

That damn groundhog was right again. Which makes me begin to wonder – if we killed the groundhog, would winter last forever…or would it just become summer immediately? The way this winter has been going, it might be worth a try. Then again, with the way this winter has been going, I sure as hell don’t want to spend the rest of my life in –15 degree weather.

On that note, who the hell gives Phil the Groundhog the right to predict the weather? The right to make the weather? So here’s the thing. Supposedly this little groundhog pops out of his hole once a winter (of course, always on February 2nd) and if he sees his shadow, assumingly he gets scared, and runs back into his hole. Now, let’s analyze this. If that little groundhog sees his shadow it means that the sun must have been out. I can’t see my shadow right now. The sun is covered by clouds right now. Big, grey, wintery looking clouds. So if the sun is out, one would assume that winter is actually closer to being finished. Really then, if Phil the Groundhog gets scared by his shadow, shouldn’t winter end earlier rather than later? Or if Phil the Groundhog doesn’t see his shadow, doesn’t that mean the sun wasn’t out and it’s going to be winter forever and he ran back into his hole only because it’s so fleeping cold??

As it stands, Phil the Groundhog seems a bit hypocritical.

Not only that, if I can believe the statistics provided by google, Phil the Groundhog is correct only 39% of the time. That’s less than half. Which means MY opposing prediction is actually more correct. Sees shadow – LESS likely to be winter for the next 6 weeks.
On a different point of view – the little groundhog is correct 39% of the time because 39% of the states are far enough north to always have winter for the next 6 weeks. The other 61% of the states are never in winter for the entire 6 weeks beyond February 2nd. If this is the case, Phil the Groundhog is an utter cheater. And I think he deserves his punishment.

The death penalty.