Friday, January 29, 2010

Fabulous Fitness Fridays

This week’s tip stems from my wonderful illness last week as well, and therefore I'm sure you will all appreciate it.

Milkshakes are a great way to get ice cream in your stomach in case of bouts of puke) which I did use while actually sick, but then of course, there was a lot of leftover ice cream, which SOMEONE had to eat, so I continued to make a few more milkshakes…

And I discovered that if you drink the milkshake through a straw rather than eating it with a spoon or drinking it out of the side of the glass, it takes longer to finish and you feel more full afterwards.

It’s also helpful to throw some mashed fruit in there, as chunks will likely get stuck in the straw, making it take even longer to finish and of course, making it a tiny bit healthier. (Every little bit counts, right?)

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

How bad does that hurt?

The Energizer Bunny is at a fantastic age where he likes to go over events, telling it different ways, asking questions, figuring out if he really got the whole story.

So here's the whole story - last weekend I slammed my finger in the car door. It blew.

But it seems the Energizer Bunny's may have gotten slightly more education from the incident -

"Your finger hurts Momma?"

"That's right, kiddo, my finger hurts."

"Your THUMB hurts Momma?"

"Yup, it's my thumb that hurts."

"You closed your thumb in the door?"

"That's right, I closed my thumb in the car door. Silly, huh?"

"That was silly, Momma." Insert fake laugh. "It hurt your thumb, Momma?"

"Yes, it hurt my thumb very badly."

"It hurt a lot?"

"Yep, it hurts a lot."

"It hurt like a bitch, Momma?"

Damn it, I don't even remember saying that.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Fabulous Fitness Fridays

Get the stomach flu.

It's like having bulimia for a day or two, without having to gag yourself. Just imagine, 24 calorie free hours!! But you still get to eat ice cream, because it really helps when all that calorie free food is coming back up.

Unfortunately, as it totally blows to have to throw up all the time, I wouldn't recommend doing this more than once or twice a year. But you know, if you're desperate...

Uh, okay, misery really does love company. Just throw up a few times and make me feel better, k?

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

My New Hobby

A couple weeks ago, during a snowstorm, when the bus was an hour late and the patronage attending said bus were multiplying to the point of creating close quarters on our little street corner, said patrons finally saw their compatriots were not in fact all socially outcast, extremely contagious lepers but really rather normal looking, and overwhelmed with the desire to protest the lateness of their transportation, deigned to speak to one another. (Me included.)

My bitching partner was a nice gentleman a generation or so older than I.

I promise you I have never once set eyes on this man in my life before. Not even on the bus.

His name is Bob. He apparently lives in my neighborhood, where he has lived for twenty-five years this March. Last year they added insulation to the attic and this year they’re having their siding re-done; it’s still the original siding from when the house was built in 1968. I could even point the house out to you if you’d like.
He has three grown children, all three of whom went to BYU – which only cost $6000/year, room and board!! – two of whom still live in Utah, the youngest of whom just turned 30, and eight grandchildren. They are members of LDS but they only got a 500 or so dollar discount off tuition for being members.
He works in IT at the University and his wife just recently retired. She was a nurse. He has a Bachelors in Zoology and a PhD in psychology but not the clinical side (though I can’t tell you what other side there is) and somehow his job morphed over the years into basically being IT.
He and his wife lived in Boston for a few years after grad school, then Montana (where he worked for the government and got paid crap but still thought it was beautiful), then Phoenix and finally here.*

I can’t tell you that much information about half of my friends. One of my friends just had a baby and I didn’t even know she’d moved to San Francisco until I got the pictures of them in front of their house.

But I swear I got all that information directly from him. Really. No stalking involved. Really.

Except now everywhere I go, there he is. Or rather, there he already was. Perhaps - everywhere he is, here I come!

I have seen him LITERALLY every day on the bus. I miss my bus by thirty seconds and there he is, already at the stop. I catch the early bus, he’s there waiting before me. I make a detour to the convenience store and get on the bus a few stops away, and he’s sitting front and center.

I grab a cup of coffee on the way in to work (which I never do) – and who’s in line two people in front of me? Why, Bob of course!

We grab the sled and head to the park, and who do we see cross country skiing back home? None other than Bob!

I take the Energizer Bunny and the Engine of Chaos and Destruction out for a pleasant winter walk and who do I run into? Bob! We, of course, have to cross the street for fear of the dog actually eating my new friend…but really this can only make me look worse. I mean, really, what a disguise – a mother walking her dog and child that immediately crosses the street when she “accidentally” runs into the man she has run into every day since last Tuesday?? A likely story.

Now, you might think he’s following me or running into me on purpose…but he’s ALWAYS there first! There is only one conclusion I can make.

It's me.

Just think of me as your friendly neighborhood stalker!

*I’ve changed some of this information so that if someone actually decides to stalk my nice gentleman stalkee, they cannot quite as easily do so. So please choose not to. Thank you.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Fabulous Fitness Fridays

Allow yourself occasional special treats. Otherwise you'll probably eventually just give up your new-found healthy lifestyle altogether, or go on infrequent but damning binges.

I personally allow myself an extra dessert on Wednesdays, my intense "writing workout" nights.

I try to stick to something a 1000 calorie Ultimate Brown Sunday with ice cream, lots of whipped cream, maracino cherries (really a miracle in themselves), tons of nuts and extra hot fudge sauce. This is extra good with a large sweetened and flavored iced tea to wash it all down. And, since I'm there for so long, I always make sure the drinks have free refills.

Like I said, an occasional special treat is fine.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Penney’s 2010 New Year’s Resolutions

Yeah, yeah, they’re late. Get over it.

My TEN most important Resolutions for 2010, which I will revisit and hold myself completely accountable for at the end of the year. I promise.

1. I resolve to arrive at work “on time” at least one day per week. While “on time” technically means 8am, the phrase still definitely includes days that I arrive prior to the boss, no matter what time, and most days that I arrive prior to the girl who comes in really late, as long as it’s not TOO late.

2. I resolve to attempt to decrease my work-time Facebook addiction. I am still allowed to post daily status updates, of course. And read the first page or two of friend’s status updates. And look at any new pictures friends’ may have posted. As long as I am able to stay away from Facebook long enough for there to be five new status updates since the last time I checked, this can be considered semi-de-addicted.

3. I resolve to maintain a $20 minimum in my bank account at all times. This is important because I actually have no idea when Netflix steals my money every month (for the two movies that we managed to watch) and though I never actually got overdraft fees from that measly 12 bucks this year, it was close a couple times. Which is pathetic, really. This resolution only refers to the checking account unless I wasn’t able to do it, and then it includes the attached savings account. I do have overdraft protection, after all, may as well be good for something.

4. I resolve to contribute to my savings account every month, even if it’s a tiny amount. This doesn’t include the automatic contributions to retirement or to the Energizer Bunny’s pathetic college savings plan, or the tax rebate. Unless I can’t save anything that month, and then it can.

5. I resolve to pay off my last remaining credit card. Technically this should not be a hard thing to do, but the key is to not put anything else ON the credit card. Much harder. However, paying off the credit card trumps savings, so if I manage this, I automatically accomplish #4 too.

6. I resolve to only yell at the Unsupportive Louse when he really does deserve it. Or when it really does make me feel better. Or if he is becoming too complacent and needs to be kept on his toes. Preferably kept to once a month. However, this does not include certain times of the month when my body chooses to remind me why females are inferior and bleeds incessantly. Nor does it include days before, days of, or days following a visit from either the Walking Guilt Trip or the Female Pill. Nor bad work days, bad hair days, bad clothing days, or bad body days. Nor days I’m excessively tired.

7. I resolve to be nicer to the Walking Guilt Trip. She truly does mean well. Unless she provokes me at which point she clearly does not mean well and does not deserve my kindness. Or if my brother or sister is around at which point I instantly revert to approximately twelve years of age and therefore cannot be expected to uphold any resolutions, and certainly not one involving my mother.

8. I resolve to eat fewer desserts. This can be accomplished by taking smaller portions. Refusing to take leftovers home or demanding that our guests take any dessert leftovers home. Buying those cereals most people call “breakfast” and eating them as dessert, because then they won’t really count as dessert at all, but rather a very late or very early breakfast. Baking smaller volumes to begin with. Or at least making them ever so slightly more healthy when I do bake them. Or eating them when no one can see me, because clearly if no one is in the forest to see a person eat a piece of cake, you can blame it on the tree.

9. I resolve to end the year 5lbs lighter than I began it. Clearly I have to lose weight to do this, but that’s not really the point. I pretty much always lose the tire of fat I put on during the holidays by around Spring sometime, but next year I’d prefer just not to have had it to begin with. But if I perchance don’t lose the 5lbs I gained from November 2009 thru January 2010, this resolution only refers to not gaining another 5lbs over this years. And if I’ve managed to lose an extra 5lbs, gaining it back, is of course, completely within the limits of the resolution.

10. I resolve to write lots. I’ve been told the only way to get better at writing is to write lots. So I will write “lots.” Of course, only I can define lots and only I can determine what is considered writing. If you don’t think “lots” was written in, say, my book, or something, you will have to consider the blog “lots” and the e-mail “lots” and the Facebook status update “lots” and the blog comment “lots” and then you can go ahead and refigure.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Fabulous Fitness Fridays

Convert to Mormanism or Jehovah’s Witnessism (yes, that’s the right way to say it. Duh.) I know this doesn’t immediately SOUND like a fitness technique, but really, it is.

The number of times they come to my door MUST mean their requisite door-to-door walks are at least weekly. And walking for three hours once a week is definitely a fitness technique.

I considered this technique for my own health, but it turns out they require the 10% tithe…or maybe not quite require, but God doesn’t love you as much if you don’t do it, and I’d prefer to beg ignorance rather than be told that God isn’t going to love me when I don’t do something. And I clearly cannot do this particular something since if I did, we’d be eating Ramen every day. For every meal. If I don’t join, I can pretend I didn’t know God wanted me to give him all my money so I could barely feed my family and God is sure to forgive me. He doesn’t read blogs, right?

Especially since He’s eating so well up there in heaven. (Calories don’t count in heaven, haven’t you heard?)