Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Would You Still Love Me If...?

We were watching some lame made for TV movie and one of the main characters - the boyfriend of the female protagonist - *almost* had a lisp. You only almost noticed it every once in awhile but it wasn't ever completely obvious and it wasn't constant...either way, he's in a movie, he really shouldn't have a lisp...I mean really. But the Unsupportive Louse was the one to point this out first, adding how lame a boyfriend he is.

Which means I can use it against him.

So I ask the requisite female question - "Are you saying you wouldn't love me if I developed a lisp?"

"I'd still love you," he says - OOOHH!! How sweet!! Has all the eggnog gone to his head?? - "But I wouldn't take you out in public." That's more like it.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Selective Memory

Two recent conversations regarding California friends we may see over the holidays I’ve had with the Unsupportive Louse


Do you remember Andrea?”


She came to your parent’s party, she’s tall, thin –“

Is she the sorority one?”

No, from high school – she was my best friend, remember? She gave us the bed set for Energizer Bunny?”


Short brown hair? We went to her wedding? Her husband was Connor? They just got divorced?”

Oh…oh…uh…yeah, I remember…I think.”


Do you remember Daphne, my—“


What? Are you sure?”


Maybe you’re thinking of someone else, I think you’ve only met her once.”

Nope, I’m sure – short girl, long black hair, right?”

Uh…yeah. Really? That was like 3 years ago.”

Yeah, she was wearing a red shirt and a black skirt.”

I stare incredulously.

The shirt was low cut. She has huge boobs and was showing massive cleavage, what do you expect?”

Friday, December 11, 2009

Fabulous Fitness Friday, Tip #12

Hire a two-year old to help you make your holiday pies/cookies/candies/cakes/whatever. You will be shocked at the extra exercise you get cleaning up flour, chasing down your measuring cups, returning to the cupboard five times for the same thing because there was imminent danger or massive distractions the previous four trips, running to the oven when the timer goes off so the two-year old does NOT in fact open it first, as he is declaring he will, etc.

As an added bonus, if (or rather, when) your goodies don't taste *quite* right...you'll eat fewer and save even more calories! Hurray!

P.S. On a completely unrelated note, the Energizer Bunny is available for hire, and we promise any money he makes will be spent on his Christmas presents. Or college education if there happens to be any left over...

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Energizer Psychopath

I may be raising a psychopath.

We’re driving down the road to the store and the little Energizer Bunny is in his carseat, “Look, Momma, blue car.”

Follow blue car, Momma.”

Okay, I’ll follow the blue car, kiddo.”

Momma following blue car.”

“Truck, Momma! Like Daddy’s truck, Momma!”

You’re right, it IS just like Daddy’s truck.”

Siiilver truck” (silver is a hard word)

Red light, Momma! Red light, stop!”

Yep, I’m stopping, kiddo.”

Green light, Go!”

A lull of an entire twenty seconds, towards the end of which I was starting to stare at him in the mirror to make sure that he was indeed still breathing. And then…


Yes, baby?” (Just because he speaks in full paragraph form does not mean I have to stop calling him baby.)

Wanna run someone over, Momma.”

Friday, December 4, 2009

Fabulous Fitness Fridays, Tip #11

If you must eat fast food, don't buy an entire meal. Just buy the sandwich or whatever it is you want. It's more than enough calories...I mean, you can check on their websites ahead of time if you're not sure, but come on, we all know they are.

So skip the fries and soda, get a cup of water instead. And steal fries from your husband's meal (who cannot possibly be convinced to give them up...but then again, I don't try THAT hard) like I do. Think of it this way, you're helping HIM to stay slim too, even without giving them up altogether!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

And they say E-mail Can't Convey Emotions!

The Walking Guilt Trip tells me the other day that old family friends of ours (who moved to Georgia long before I even moved to San Diego for only my second of five very different lives I’ve led…) will be in San Francisco at the same time I will be in Northern California (ie Christmastime)

My first thought was, “Great…and why do I care?” This I stated, in somewhat less rude terms.

It finally comes out that perhaps they would like to see The Energizer Bunny. This I understand.

So I e-mail her today, telling her I’m planning out the billion different little meetings I have to shove into a 6 day period during which we also have Christmas, Christmas Eve, 2 separate extended family gatherings and friends from both my and the Unsupportive Louse’s childhood to see, and wanted to know more information about this trip these old folks I haven’t seen or talked to since I was a teenager are planning – when will they be there, are they renting a car, where will they be staying, yada yada yada. Here is my mother’s full response:

***@mindspring.com and I do not know exactly when they plan to be in SF

Full. Response.

I love my mother.