Thursday, January 14, 2010

Penney’s 2010 New Year’s Resolutions

Yeah, yeah, they’re late. Get over it.

My TEN most important Resolutions for 2010, which I will revisit and hold myself completely accountable for at the end of the year. I promise.

1. I resolve to arrive at work “on time” at least one day per week. While “on time” technically means 8am, the phrase still definitely includes days that I arrive prior to the boss, no matter what time, and most days that I arrive prior to the girl who comes in really late, as long as it’s not TOO late.

2. I resolve to attempt to decrease my work-time Facebook addiction. I am still allowed to post daily status updates, of course. And read the first page or two of friend’s status updates. And look at any new pictures friends’ may have posted. As long as I am able to stay away from Facebook long enough for there to be five new status updates since the last time I checked, this can be considered semi-de-addicted.

3. I resolve to maintain a $20 minimum in my bank account at all times. This is important because I actually have no idea when Netflix steals my money every month (for the two movies that we managed to watch) and though I never actually got overdraft fees from that measly 12 bucks this year, it was close a couple times. Which is pathetic, really. This resolution only refers to the checking account unless I wasn’t able to do it, and then it includes the attached savings account. I do have overdraft protection, after all, may as well be good for something.

4. I resolve to contribute to my savings account every month, even if it’s a tiny amount. This doesn’t include the automatic contributions to retirement or to the Energizer Bunny’s pathetic college savings plan, or the tax rebate. Unless I can’t save anything that month, and then it can.

5. I resolve to pay off my last remaining credit card. Technically this should not be a hard thing to do, but the key is to not put anything else ON the credit card. Much harder. However, paying off the credit card trumps savings, so if I manage this, I automatically accomplish #4 too.

6. I resolve to only yell at the Unsupportive Louse when he really does deserve it. Or when it really does make me feel better. Or if he is becoming too complacent and needs to be kept on his toes. Preferably kept to once a month. However, this does not include certain times of the month when my body chooses to remind me why females are inferior and bleeds incessantly. Nor does it include days before, days of, or days following a visit from either the Walking Guilt Trip or the Female Pill. Nor bad work days, bad hair days, bad clothing days, or bad body days. Nor days I’m excessively tired.

7. I resolve to be nicer to the Walking Guilt Trip. She truly does mean well. Unless she provokes me at which point she clearly does not mean well and does not deserve my kindness. Or if my brother or sister is around at which point I instantly revert to approximately twelve years of age and therefore cannot be expected to uphold any resolutions, and certainly not one involving my mother.

8. I resolve to eat fewer desserts. This can be accomplished by taking smaller portions. Refusing to take leftovers home or demanding that our guests take any dessert leftovers home. Buying those cereals most people call “breakfast” and eating them as dessert, because then they won’t really count as dessert at all, but rather a very late or very early breakfast. Baking smaller volumes to begin with. Or at least making them ever so slightly more healthy when I do bake them. Or eating them when no one can see me, because clearly if no one is in the forest to see a person eat a piece of cake, you can blame it on the tree.

9. I resolve to end the year 5lbs lighter than I began it. Clearly I have to lose weight to do this, but that’s not really the point. I pretty much always lose the tire of fat I put on during the holidays by around Spring sometime, but next year I’d prefer just not to have had it to begin with. But if I perchance don’t lose the 5lbs I gained from November 2009 thru January 2010, this resolution only refers to not gaining another 5lbs over this years. And if I’ve managed to lose an extra 5lbs, gaining it back, is of course, completely within the limits of the resolution.

10. I resolve to write lots. I’ve been told the only way to get better at writing is to write lots. So I will write “lots.” Of course, only I can define lots and only I can determine what is considered writing. If you don’t think “lots” was written in, say, my book, or something, you will have to consider the blog “lots” and the e-mail “lots” and the Facebook status update “lots” and the blog comment “lots” and then you can go ahead and refigure.


  1. You are awesome. Seriously. #1 is my favorite. hahahaha. Best resolutions ever.

  2. You should really cut yourself some slack.

  3. You are seriously hilarious. I miss you.

    Are you really writing a book? That would be fabulous!