Seriously, I don’t know what all these single moms have been complaining about for years.
The Unsupportive Louse has been writing his thesis these past few weeks, as it seems his lifelong stint as a student is about to come to an end, of course the only reason you should care about this fact right now is because it leaves me as an almost single parent.
So, the Energizer Bunny and I have been having a grand time, just the two of us. And I’ve decided being a single parent is really quite easy.
The Energizer Bunny always gets a well-balanced diet – as long as you count processed cheese as dairy, freeze-dried packaged vegetables as real food, graham crackers as a source of grains and fruit snacks as fruit (they ARE Welchs; made with real fruit AND no high fructose corn syrup!!)
And the Energizer Bunny always gets plenty of exercise, for though I can’t be entirely sure what my 2 ½ year old is doing out in the backyard without me, as I really don’t have the time to watch him, I’m sure it involves movement (and movement is always exercise, right?), and that doesn’t even include the putting on and taking off of jackets and boots and hats and gloves and the help he gives me cleaning up all the snow he’s tracked all over the hardwood floor… I DO know that the couch and armchairs can double as trampolines and serving bowls can effectively become basketball hoops and stairs can work perfectly well as a sledding hill.
He always gets to bed on time…or somewhere near bedtime. As long as an hour past is still considered “somewhere near,” and as long as getting to bed doesn’t necessarily include the actual act of going to sleep.
He is bathed regularly. At least every 3rd day, but come on, it’s not like we don’t wash his hands constantly. Or at very least after he goes potty. And just because the 3rd day happens to coincide with the evenings the Unsupportive Louse comes home just before bedtime (or, you know, slightly after) doesn’t really mean I couldn’t have done it by myself.
The house is absolutely SPOTLESS, if you compare it to Ms. Cleanly and Mr. Communicative's...
And personally, I think my hair looks very nice when it’s greasy. It’s a fashion statement I’m sure will catch on soon. And there’s no hygienic or other real reason to shave my legs more than monthly. And I’m fairly certain my lack of progress at work has nothing to do with my lack of sleep.
And of course, all real single moms are sure to get the one night off a week (free of charge) that the Unsupportive Louse generously allows me, plus a free handy-man (albeit a rather incompetent one) who can rub his chin and nod at the little problems that arise during the rest of the week – like the sliding glass door that won’t close or the ridiculous draft coming in from the garage door, or the car that just won’t start one morning – and effectively fix them just by the virtue of being a man and having been told.
So really, all you single parents out there, my hat’s off to you.