Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Mexican Mishap #1 - The Best Laid Plans

If you know me at all, you know I'm slightly (ever so very slightly) OCD. I tend to plan my ENTIRE life, down to teeny-tiny minute details, years ahead of time. And write it down so I won't forget. Of course, I must admit, the minute details do not *always* work out quite the way they were planned...but I continue to plan them all the same.

So of course I planned for our 2010 beach vacation while planning for our future child beginning approximately two years ago...I mean really, who wouldn't? We knew (read: I knew I could convince the Unsupportive Louse to agree with me) that we wanted our children to be about 3 years apart. And after considering beach vacation time frame, I decided to start systematically raping the Unsupportive Louse... I mean we decided to start "trying" in October - giving myself a month or two for conception, this brought me to about 6 months pregnant for vacation time.

While this may not be the most comfortable time in the world to travel, there are more important things in life than travelling folks. And besides, it's not as bad as 7 or 8 months, I'd survive. But most importantly, a 6-month pregnant woman looks pregnant. Looking obviously pregnant garners a woman sympathy and favors completely unrequested. Because everyone knows she is pregnant. And everyone feels bad that she has to be pregnant on vacation. On the beach. Or for the poor dude she's with. But whatever, as long as I'm the one that gets the goods, they can feel as bad for him as they want.

Now, a THREE-month pregnant woman, who has gained only 5 lbs (but, in my completely impersonal opinion, looks significantly larger than just 5 extra pounds) really just looks decidedly pudgy and a bit jiggly... just a bit fat. No matter what swimsuits said pregnant woman might have bought to try to cover up the flab while accentuating the PREGNANT look of the belly.

And sure, YOU say it's all fine and good that a 3-month pregnant woman looks a little flabby. Because, after all, YOU'RE not the one who is 3-months pregnant and on the beach. In a swimsuit. In a resort surrounded by liposections and tummy tucks and silicon breasts and fake-bake tans and paid-for-perfection.

Those damn emaciated, tanned, toned, implanted bathing beauties? They can't tell a blubbery chick not really worthy of their attention anyway is pregnant. They just think she's a blubbery chick not really worthy of their attention anyway. Damn sluts.

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