Because you all want to know EXACTLY how this baby was conceived, right?
So, it was decided, by us, on towards a year ago or so, that we would begin “trying” for our #2 soon. Three-ish years separation is a good one, we thought. It was then decided (by me, because, I’m the one that really matters since I’m the one who’s going to be, you know, PREGNANT) that I did not want to miss (or otherwise HATE) our summer vacations because I was 18 months and 9000lbs pregnant. I thus decided to put off the trying until October, which, if we conceived in the first second post-IUD removal would make our children precisely three years apart. As The Energizer Bunny was…shall we say “no problem” to conceive, I assumed #2 would not be either. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t think they’d be precisely 3 years apart. In fact, it would have annoyed me if their birthdays were REALLY close together. But I expected them to be 3 years and 1 month apart…maybe 2…
So 5 ½ months go by with no success, due completely and totally to my body’s lack of any kind of schedule. Apparently my uterus has become just as lackadaisical about her work schedule as I am about mine…don’t worry, she gets the work done, just kinda, you know, whenever she wants to do it.
By this point, of course, I have mastered the time-honored ovulation discerning technique known as the “Cervical Mucus Method.”
Oh, I tried the easier ones, like the Basal Body Temperature, but it turns out I’m constantly living in a half-dead state based on my body temperature, which never rises above 96 degrees based on my home thermometer (despite the fact that the thing works appropriately in both the Unsupportive Louse and the Energizer Bunny…) But even ignoring my near-zombie-ness (which would explain a lot really) and blaming the stupid broken thermometer my temperature never fluctuated the entire 1.4 degrees it was expected to, to show ovulation had occurred or was about to occur or whatever. If I hadn’t managed to conceive previously, I would have at this point, completely freaked out. Instead, I threw the thermometer away. (Nice digital one too. Damn it.)
I want you all to know that I am completely, absolutely, utterly horrified by the mere THOUGHT of the Cervical Mucus Method. Probably not as much as you men reading this, but close enough. Nevertheless, lives were at stake. I rallied my courage and even managed not to puke. And quite confidently figured the grossness out in just two cycles.
So 5 ½ months after the “trying” begins, produces much grossness and no fertilized egg, I count very scientifically on my fingers and realize a baby conceived during whatever week my crazy ass uterus decides to ovulate this cycle would be due right around Christmas. And ugh, what a terrible time of year to be about to pop. Imagine the holiday parties you have to stand on your feet and look happy and talk with people you barely like that you couldn’t even drink at. Imagine the pain of getting gifts ready and wrapped and the house cleaned and the tree trimmed all while 9 months pregnant? Lord, imagine the in-laws being in town when you ACTUALLY deliver??
So we decided to take the month off. Now, remember we’d been trying with no success forever, so taking the month off just meant I didn’t force the Unsupportive Louse into un-consensual sex a few days of the month when it seemed most likely to be good timing. (This included the calendar method based on a 28 day cycle, and the calendar method based on my shortest and longest cycles in the last 5 months and the evil Cervical Mucus Method. Generally none of the 4 lined up which meant there was a whole lot of un-consensual sex going on.) Taking the month off did NOT mean abstinence (who the hell do you think I am?) nor did it mean actually using some sort of contraception, I mean, really, we are TRYING to get pregnant, that would just be dumb.
Only a day or two after my monthly bleeding session (sorry boys) I happened to notice (no, I wasn’t really checking, we weren’t trying, remember??) that my cervical mucus seemed to be telling me I was ovulating. As this is clearly impossible, being that a NORMAL uterus would wait 2 weeks before ovulating, I ignored said cervical mucus.
So of course we got pregnant.
Due date – December 20.
(Or Dec 27 if you use a normal cycle calendar, which the stupid nurse insisted on doing…because she knows more about my body than me.)