Tuesday, December 13, 2011

If We Weren't the Absolutely Perfect Couple...

The Unsupportive Louse and I were having an argument the other day…we never actually fight in real life of course, this is just a totally and completely made up story for the sake of a good blog post. Obviously.

During this completely fictional argument, our offspring were present. (Obviously also fictional as if the Unsupportive Louse and I were to fight, we would never, EVER do so in front of our children.)

But, pretending for the moment that this DID in fact happen, and realizing that if we were to argue, it would never be over something ridiculously unimportant or include and miscommunications or become blown out of proportion in 3.5 seconds at all. Ever. Because we (especially me) are very intelligent, rational grown-ups and are capable of having calm, rational discussions. Of course. But if we weren’t so wonderfully mature and expansive and DIDN’T wait until our kids were tucked snuggly in bed to peacefully ruminate over our minor disagreements, it would have gone something like this:

      “I swear sometimes you don’t even know me at all!”

      “Yes, he does Mommy, don’t you, Daddy? He just sometimes forgets, huh?”

      “Yes, cutie, he does, you’re right.”

      “What the hell does me knowing you have anything to do with it?” (We also never, ever, ever swear in front of the kids.)

      “You shouldn’t say hell Daddy. I might say it at daycare.”

      “Well, it’s either that or you’re just totally inconsiderate and don’t give a rat’s ass about us at all. And you’re right, sweetie, we shouldn’t say hell. And I shouldn’t say ass either.”

      “How can you even say that? You know you guys mean everything to me.”

      “Yeah, Mommy, Daddy loves us.”

      “Of course he does baby. But you have a shitty way of showing it!”

      “It’s not because I don’t love you, I just need some time alone sometimes to reboot.” (The Unsupportive Louse does in fact say things like reboot in regular conversation, even if this dialogue is all fake…)

      “Mommy should we make an ID card for me now?” He wants an ID card. Don’t ask me.

      “We need to get the picture from the store first, remember kiddo? And I GIVE you time off, I give you time off ALL the time, besides, when do I get any time off?”

       “You don’t need time off from people, you’re an extrovert!”

      “What’s an eggs-a-vert? NO!! That’s my ID card!!”

      “Baby, give the card back to your brother, no no, don’t eat it, no sweetie, don’t cry.” The tiny drama queen proceeds to have a melt-down in which no other small piece of cut out cereal box will substitute for THE piece of cut-out cereal box. I would like to say this minor temper tantrum interrupted the argument. But as only veteran parents can, we soldiered on. Or, er, I mean, we would have…it’s just a story, not real, all that…

      “What does being an extrovert have to do with needing a break? Just because I actually LIKE people doesn’t mean I don’t need a break sometimes.”

      “Maybe, but not as much as I do.”

      “Can I have a break?”

      ”What? You think you do more work then me? You seriously think you need a break more than me? Of course you can have a break, kiddo, just lay down on the couch with me, we can cuddle, do you want to cuddle?”

      "Why does Daddy not like people Mommy?”

      “Great, thanks, see, you made him think I don’t like people.”

      “Of course Daddy likes people kiddo, he just likes to be alone sometimes to think. Some people like to be alone more than other people, and some people like more time alone than other people. YOU just happen to want WAY too much time alone. Am I supposed to be a single parent here? Oh, our sweet tiny drama queen wants to cuddle too, come cuddle baby.”

      “No, you’re not supposed to be a single parent! Damn it! You know what I mean! I just don’t know why you get so frustrated with me!”

      The Energizer Bunny looks up at me from our cuddle session on the couch, “Mommy, why are you  mad at Daddy?”

And can I tell you that for at least 30 seconds I had no idea. I would like to tell you that that realization ended the argument…but such a realization so deep into the land of pissed off can only cause further irritation. Besides, I'm sure I would have remembered right away if it weren't for the kids.

In other news, we’ve begun a savings fund for the kids’ future therapy sessions. You know, just in case.

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