Wednesday, August 26, 2009

"Yes, Mother, I'd love to carpool."

So, The Walking Guilt Trip called me today.

Her first words were, "Do you want to carpool this weekend?"

Crap. This weekend. What is this weekend??

I racked my brain, I swear to GOD I racked my brain as hard as I could before I meekly curled myself into the fetal position and whispered, "What is this weekend?" At this point my mind pretty much beats itself, but The Walking Guilt Trip doesn't accept the abuse as true guilt, she prefers to do the dirty work with her own two hands...or her own two lips as the case may be.

"Well, it's fine if you don't want to go. I only asked because you'd said you wanted to go, but there's no reason for you to go if you don't want to. I just thought you'd might like to, but I don't want to force you."

"Go to what, Mom, you still haven't told me where we're supposed to be going?"

"Well, I did tell you, I told you when I asked you if you want to come, but obviously if you don't remember it's not important enough to you. So I'll just go by myself. It will be fine, I'm sure I'll know someone." If this sounds sweet and innocent to you, you're not adding the dripping sarcasm that is vaguely veiled as only a mother with the power to disguise guilt trips can vaguely veil anything.

"I'm sorry Mom, I just can't think of what it was you asked me to do this weekend. When did you ask?"

"I asked at least two months ago, you've had plenty of advance notice. If you planned something else, of course, that's fine, you don't have to go. Don't cancel anything on my behalf, I know you've got more important things to do." First, I'd like to point out that asking a longer time ago does not in fact make it more memorable in my mind. Two months ago in Michigan was practically winter, how am I supposed to think about anything that far away?? I have a two-year old, a husband who's lucky to remember my name, a live-in brother who can't even remember what month it is, and I'm supposed to remember something my mother asked me, in passing, I'm sure, AT LEAST two months ago? AND remember that it's this weekend?

So now, in an attempt to protect my poor brain from overdosing on guilt, I start throwing out things I think she may have mentionned to me a few months ago..., "Is it apple picking time? Do you want to go to that new restaurant that's supposed to be it already open? Did I miss that? Crap, sorry if I did. Was there a car show you wanted to go see? Wait, was that last weekend? Om, never mind. What about the art museum, is that opening back up already? Oh, no, I think I saw people going in there recently, didn't I?"

WRONG strategy.

"Yes, the restaurant opened last month, I already went with Karen since you were so busy, and the car show was a few weeks ago, remember, I brought The Energizer Bunny a little car back? I had to go by myself to that, no one was available that day. I'm not sure what you were doing, but I'm sure you would have called if you'd really wanted to go. And the Art Museum has been open for awhile now, but they already took down their special exhibit. I'm sure it will come back sometime, they usually rotate every few years, I'll just go next time."

I never did figure out what I was supposed to be carpooling to this weekend.


  1. do you not have siblings to deflect some of this crazy onto?

  2. Dude, your mother has GOT to meet mine.

  3. Without my Outlook calendar and alarms I remember nothing.

    Last alarm dismissed: Soccer Practice (for my son)
    Yesterday's alarm: Trash Day
    Also on the list: get kids off bus, change filter in furnace, and all sorts of stuff for my job.

  4. PS - it was a chicken dinner for her (our?) church.

    PPS - The Mooch has no soul and therefore cannot be guilted by anyone or anything, and The Princess has the enormous intelligence (and Daddy's wallet) to stay an entire continent away from The Walking Guilt Trip and thus avoid many guilt trips that are easier given to the closer child. It's ALLLL me.