We were watching some lame made for TV movie and one of the main characters - the boyfriend of the female protagonist - *almost* had a lisp. You only almost noticed it every once in awhile but it wasn't ever completely obvious and it wasn't constant...either way, he's in a movie, he really shouldn't have a lisp...I mean really. But the Unsupportive Louse was the one to point this out first, adding how lame a boyfriend he is.
Which means I can use it against him.
So I ask the requisite female question - "Are you saying you wouldn't love me if I developed a lisp?"
"I'd still love you," he says - OOOHH!! How sweet!! Has all the eggnog gone to his head?? - "But I wouldn't take you out in public." That's more like it.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Selective Memory
Two recent conversations regarding California friends we may see over the holidays I’ve had with the Unsupportive Louse
#1:
“Do you remember Andrea?”
“No.”
“She came to your parent’s party, she’s tall, thin –“
“Is she the sorority one?”
“No, from high school – she was my best friend, remember? She gave us the bed set for Energizer Bunny?”
“Uh…”
“Short brown hair? We went to her wedding? Her husband was Connor? They just got divorced?”
“Oh…oh…uh…yeah, I remember…I think.”
***
#2:
“Do you remember Daphne, my—“
“Yes.”
“What? Are you sure?”
“Yup.”
“Maybe you’re thinking of someone else, I think you’ve only met her once.”
“Nope, I’m sure – short girl, long black hair, right?”
“Uh…yeah. Really? That was like 3 years ago.”
“Yeah, she was wearing a red shirt and a black skirt.”
I stare incredulously.
“The shirt was low cut. She has huge boobs and was showing massive cleavage, what do you expect?”
#1:
“Do you remember Andrea?”
“No.”
“She came to your parent’s party, she’s tall, thin –“
“Is she the sorority one?”
“No, from high school – she was my best friend, remember? She gave us the bed set for Energizer Bunny?”
“Uh…”
“Short brown hair? We went to her wedding? Her husband was Connor? They just got divorced?”
“Oh…oh…uh…yeah, I remember…I think.”
***
#2:
“Do you remember Daphne, my—“
“Yes.”
“What? Are you sure?”
“Yup.”
“Maybe you’re thinking of someone else, I think you’ve only met her once.”
“Nope, I’m sure – short girl, long black hair, right?”
“Uh…yeah. Really? That was like 3 years ago.”
“Yeah, she was wearing a red shirt and a black skirt.”
I stare incredulously.
“The shirt was low cut. She has huge boobs and was showing massive cleavage, what do you expect?”
Friday, December 11, 2009
Fabulous Fitness Friday, Tip #12
Hire a two-year old to help you make your holiday pies/cookies/candies/cakes/whatever. You will be shocked at the extra exercise you get cleaning up flour, chasing down your measuring cups, returning to the cupboard five times for the same thing because there was imminent danger or massive distractions the previous four trips, running to the oven when the timer goes off so the two-year old does NOT in fact open it first, as he is declaring he will, etc.
As an added bonus, if (or rather, when) your goodies don't taste *quite* right...you'll eat fewer and save even more calories! Hurray!
P.S. On a completely unrelated note, the Energizer Bunny is available for hire, and we promise any money he makes will be spent on his Christmas presents. Or college education if there happens to be any left over...
As an added bonus, if (or rather, when) your goodies don't taste *quite* right...you'll eat fewer and save even more calories! Hurray!
P.S. On a completely unrelated note, the Energizer Bunny is available for hire, and we promise any money he makes will be spent on his Christmas presents. Or college education if there happens to be any left over...
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Energizer Psychopath
I may be raising a psychopath.
We’re driving down the road to the store and the little Energizer Bunny is in his carseat, “Look, Momma, blue car.”
“Follow blue car, Momma.”
“Okay, I’ll follow the blue car, kiddo.”
“Momma following blue car.”
“Truck, Momma! Like Daddy’s truck, Momma!”
“You’re right, it IS just like Daddy’s truck.”
“Siiilver truck” (silver is a hard word)
“Red light, Momma! Red light, stop!”
“Yep, I’m stopping, kiddo.”
“Green light, Go!”
A lull of an entire twenty seconds, towards the end of which I was starting to stare at him in the mirror to make sure that he was indeed still breathing. And then…
“Momma?”
“Yes, baby?” (Just because he speaks in full paragraph form does not mean I have to stop calling him baby.)
“Wanna run someone over, Momma.”
We’re driving down the road to the store and the little Energizer Bunny is in his carseat, “Look, Momma, blue car.”
“Follow blue car, Momma.”
“Okay, I’ll follow the blue car, kiddo.”
“Momma following blue car.”
“Truck, Momma! Like Daddy’s truck, Momma!”
“You’re right, it IS just like Daddy’s truck.”
“Siiilver truck” (silver is a hard word)
“Red light, Momma! Red light, stop!”
“Yep, I’m stopping, kiddo.”
“Green light, Go!”
A lull of an entire twenty seconds, towards the end of which I was starting to stare at him in the mirror to make sure that he was indeed still breathing. And then…
“Momma?”
“Yes, baby?” (Just because he speaks in full paragraph form does not mean I have to stop calling him baby.)
“Wanna run someone over, Momma.”
Friday, December 4, 2009
Fabulous Fitness Fridays, Tip #11
If you must eat fast food, don't buy an entire meal. Just buy the sandwich or whatever it is you want. It's more than enough calories...I mean, you can check on their websites ahead of time if you're not sure, but come on, we all know they are.
So skip the fries and soda, get a cup of water instead. And steal fries from your husband's meal (who cannot possibly be convinced to give them up...but then again, I don't try THAT hard) like I do. Think of it this way, you're helping HIM to stay slim too, even without giving them up altogether!
So skip the fries and soda, get a cup of water instead. And steal fries from your husband's meal (who cannot possibly be convinced to give them up...but then again, I don't try THAT hard) like I do. Think of it this way, you're helping HIM to stay slim too, even without giving them up altogether!
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
And they say E-mail Can't Convey Emotions!
The Walking Guilt Trip tells me the other day that old family friends of ours (who moved to Georgia long before I even moved to San Diego for only my second of five very different lives I’ve led…) will be in San Francisco at the same time I will be in Northern California (ie Christmastime)
My first thought was, “Great…and why do I care?” This I stated, in somewhat less rude terms.
It finally comes out that perhaps they would like to see The Energizer Bunny. This I understand.
So I e-mail her today, telling her I’m planning out the billion different little meetings I have to shove into a 6 day period during which we also have Christmas, Christmas Eve, 2 separate extended family gatherings and friends from both my and the Unsupportive Louse’s childhood to see, and wanted to know more information about this trip these old folks I haven’t seen or talked to since I was a teenager are planning – when will they be there, are they renting a car, where will they be staying, yada yada yada. Here is my mother’s full response:
***@mindspring.com and I do not know exactly when they plan to be in SF
Full. Response.
I love my mother.
My first thought was, “Great…and why do I care?” This I stated, in somewhat less rude terms.
It finally comes out that perhaps they would like to see The Energizer Bunny. This I understand.
So I e-mail her today, telling her I’m planning out the billion different little meetings I have to shove into a 6 day period during which we also have Christmas, Christmas Eve, 2 separate extended family gatherings and friends from both my and the Unsupportive Louse’s childhood to see, and wanted to know more information about this trip these old folks I haven’t seen or talked to since I was a teenager are planning – when will they be there, are they renting a car, where will they be staying, yada yada yada. Here is my mother’s full response:
***@mindspring.com and I do not know exactly when they plan to be in SF
Full. Response.
I love my mother.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Fabulous Fitness Friday, Tip #10
You PROBABLY have today off, right? Let's just assume you do.
SO, now that we've all gorged ourselves on excessive amounts of turkey, cranberries, stuffing, candied yams, green bean casserole, homemade bread, creamed corn, potatoes au gratin, apple pie, pecan pie, pumpkin pie, sweet potato pie, and cherry pie (and that was only for "dinner" - let's not forget about the breakfast out so we didn't have to do those dishes and the "taste-testing" up until dinner, plus the multiple late night snacks since we MUST eat Thanksgiving dinner hours before we'd normally be eating dinner...), now that we've all done that, let's use our day off wisely.
Take a long walk, play some pick-up football, throw a frisbee, actually use the basketball hoop out in front of your house despite the fact that your kids (and neighbors) will give you odd looks, jump in the leftover leaves that fell after the last street pick-up and will thus remain until Spring, and of course, wash all 358 dishes piled on your counter from yesterday.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
20 Things I'm Thankful For This Thanksgiving
Twenty things I’m thankful for this Thanksgiving –
1. The Energizer Bunny for being the most perfect, most beautiful child ever, and the only thing capable of making Mommy sound like a total sap.
2. The energy to keep up with the Energizer Bunny…or at least if not “keep up,” not keel over as he runs me ragged day after day.
3. The Unsupportive Louse’s never-ending support.
4. The Walking Guilt Trip’s multiple guilt trips. I’m not sure if I could cope with a let-down without a guilt trip added on top.
5. The Mooch and the rent that I actually got from him this month, allowing us to actually eat turkey on Thanksgiving day and not some ground turkey I had to press into the shape of a turkey to make myself believe I could afford a real turkey.
6. The Princess’s best friend’s family who are keeping her from being lonely and deserted on Thanksgiving.
7. The PILLs who are sure to keep the Energizer Bunny alive if we are ever incapable of doing so ourselves (financially or otherwise).
8. The many friends I have who keep leaving me to move on to bigger and better people, places or things. No, I’m not bitter. Thankful is the word you’re looking for. Really.
9. The house I absolutely love in the neighborhood I used to go out of my way to run through because it’s so beautiful and I was so jealous of everyone lucky enough to live here.
10. The terrible economy for causing some poor couple to have to short sell their house, thus allowing me to live in a beautiful house in a perfect neighborhood and no longer be jealous of every one here.
11. The thousands of squirrels still managing to burrow into our house with new holes practically every day, reminding me that if I am ever truly too broke to buy food, I can always just kill one of them.
12. The job I still have that keeps me from having to eat squirrel on a daily basis.
13. The boss at the job I still have for being an all-around good guy. And not being sucked in by the other boss I have who is just really not an all-around good guy.
14. The President for believing that science is in fact…a science…and not decreasing the budget for said science, hence allowing my position to still exist, hence keeping me in a job, and possibly curing your mother’s/aunt’s/cousins/great-uncle’s neighbor’s multiple sclerosis. In 87 years. When they’ve already been dead for 62. But your niece’s step-cousin’s goddaughter’s son will care.
15. Facebook for allowing me to occasionally avoid real work while at the job I still have, but managing to make it look like I’m working in case either boss stops by, AND keeping me in touch with all the friends who have left me for more “important” things like school, jobs, family. More important than me? Really?
16. The wonderful mass transit system in Ann Arbor which keeps us from having to buy parking at the University, which would be sure to put us in the poorhouse within a month., and from slowly destroying the earth one smoke fume at a time.
17. The Engine of Chaos and Destruction (as the Unsupportive Louse loves to call our dog) for not destroying too many things or eating too much food from the counters, my backpack, my lunch bag, the diaper bag, or the pantry this year. And only eating one cup of butter at a time because I can’t imagine the smell the puke would have made if you’d eaten all four sticks from the counter.
18. Krista, the bitchy female cop who my first husband slept with, for sleeping with him, so that I could divorce him and move off of that god-awful Long Island and meet the fantastic new man that is the Unsupportive Louse and thus live this fantastic life.
19. My writing critique group, for keeping me from sounding like a total dumbass every day of the year. Well, in my writing anyway.
20. The massive sarcasm and wit I’m gifted with. (It’s a gift, I swear it.)
1. The Energizer Bunny for being the most perfect, most beautiful child ever, and the only thing capable of making Mommy sound like a total sap.
2. The energy to keep up with the Energizer Bunny…or at least if not “keep up,” not keel over as he runs me ragged day after day.
3. The Unsupportive Louse’s never-ending support.
4. The Walking Guilt Trip’s multiple guilt trips. I’m not sure if I could cope with a let-down without a guilt trip added on top.
5. The Mooch and the rent that I actually got from him this month, allowing us to actually eat turkey on Thanksgiving day and not some ground turkey I had to press into the shape of a turkey to make myself believe I could afford a real turkey.
6. The Princess’s best friend’s family who are keeping her from being lonely and deserted on Thanksgiving.
7. The PILLs who are sure to keep the Energizer Bunny alive if we are ever incapable of doing so ourselves (financially or otherwise).
8. The many friends I have who keep leaving me to move on to bigger and better people, places or things. No, I’m not bitter. Thankful is the word you’re looking for. Really.
9. The house I absolutely love in the neighborhood I used to go out of my way to run through because it’s so beautiful and I was so jealous of everyone lucky enough to live here.
10. The terrible economy for causing some poor couple to have to short sell their house, thus allowing me to live in a beautiful house in a perfect neighborhood and no longer be jealous of every one here.
11. The thousands of squirrels still managing to burrow into our house with new holes practically every day, reminding me that if I am ever truly too broke to buy food, I can always just kill one of them.
12. The job I still have that keeps me from having to eat squirrel on a daily basis.
13. The boss at the job I still have for being an all-around good guy. And not being sucked in by the other boss I have who is just really not an all-around good guy.
14. The President for believing that science is in fact…a science…and not decreasing the budget for said science, hence allowing my position to still exist, hence keeping me in a job, and possibly curing your mother’s/aunt’s/cousins/great-uncle’s neighbor’s multiple sclerosis. In 87 years. When they’ve already been dead for 62. But your niece’s step-cousin’s goddaughter’s son will care.
15. Facebook for allowing me to occasionally avoid real work while at the job I still have, but managing to make it look like I’m working in case either boss stops by, AND keeping me in touch with all the friends who have left me for more “important” things like school, jobs, family. More important than me? Really?
16. The wonderful mass transit system in Ann Arbor which keeps us from having to buy parking at the University, which would be sure to put us in the poorhouse within a month., and from slowly destroying the earth one smoke fume at a time.
17. The Engine of Chaos and Destruction (as the Unsupportive Louse loves to call our dog) for not destroying too many things or eating too much food from the counters, my backpack, my lunch bag, the diaper bag, or the pantry this year. And only eating one cup of butter at a time because I can’t imagine the smell the puke would have made if you’d eaten all four sticks from the counter.
18. Krista, the bitchy female cop who my first husband slept with, for sleeping with him, so that I could divorce him and move off of that god-awful Long Island and meet the fantastic new man that is the Unsupportive Louse and thus live this fantastic life.
19. My writing critique group, for keeping me from sounding like a total dumbass every day of the year. Well, in my writing anyway.
20. The massive sarcasm and wit I’m gifted with. (It’s a gift, I swear it.)
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