One late night recently, after the Unsupportive Louse returned home from yet another day spent slaving over a document no one will ever read, he was generous enough to ask me how I was.
"I have this horrible hacking cough, my throat is dry and scratchy and my nose is all congested and the congestion is making my head pound too. Plus my mouth and tongue are all dried out because I can't breathe out of my nose. I'm frigging exhausted and the Energizer Bunny didn't take a nap today so I didn't even get a break all day."
He regards me calmly and replies, "If I'm sick the week before my thesis is due, I'm gonna be pissed."
It's so good to know he cares about me!
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Gamma Guilt Trip
The morning after a quasi recent date (because it's been that long since I've actually had time to write blogs consistently) I asked the Energizer Bunny how his evening with The Walking Guilt Trip had been.
"Good, Momma."
"Did you eat dinner?"
"Yeah."
"What did you have?"
"Omm... chocolate!" (This could be a wish on his part because he can't remember at the moment, or most likely, it is simply the truth. While I never would have had chocolate anywhere near dinner, I believe it actually pleases The Walking Guilt Trip to break my rules and see how I respond. Clearly getting mad at my own mother would incite ridiculous guilt, that for her to watch must be almost like a fortune-teller watching a self-fulling prophecy come to be. For the time being, I chose to ignore the response.)
"Did you play?"
"Yeah." Getting information out of a two-year old who does nothing but ask "why" all day and therefore should know very well what it means to answer a question is a billion times harder than it should be.
"What did you play?"
"Umm... played trains..." He has this really cute way of dragging out the words in a list while he thinks of the next thing to add, "cars... puzzles... books on Gamma's lap..." At this point, a terrible sadness overcomes his entire face, his eyes fills with tears and his lower lip sticks out and begins to quiver. Enough to break a mother's heart.
"Kiddo, what's wrong?"
"Gamma got mad."
This does not surprise me even a little bit, my mother has the patience of a fly (something, I might add, I perhaps inherited just a little bit of), but it still upsets me, obviously. "Why did Gamma get mad?"
"'Cause I peed."
"Because you peed?" I have the brilliant ability to extrapolate (something the Unsupportive Louse is completely inept at), and you see, the Energizer Bunny is in the process of being potty trained (or potty-taught or learned or whatever politically correct but grammatically incorrect phrase you prefer to use) and still has occasional accidents. So I asked, "Did you pee in your underwear?"
Looking at the floor, full of shame, "Yeah."
"And Gamma was upset?" This seems extreme to me even for my mother to get mad at a two-year old simply for having an accident.
He looks up at me, eyes brimming with tears, "'Cause I peed on her lap." I did everything in my willpower to keep from laughing at this hilarious scene: my perfectly composed mother in her freshly pressed slacks discovering the warm feel of pee on her leg.
A tiny tear trickles out of one eye. It's amazing the power a single real tear has over me. "Gamma don'nt wanna come over any-more 'cause I peed."
The guilt trip. I can hear it now, "Gamma isn't going to want to come over anymore if you pee on her."
Way to start 'em young Gamma Guilt-Trip, way to start 'em young.
"Good, Momma."
"Did you eat dinner?"
"Yeah."
"What did you have?"
"Omm... chocolate!" (This could be a wish on his part because he can't remember at the moment, or most likely, it is simply the truth. While I never would have had chocolate anywhere near dinner, I believe it actually pleases The Walking Guilt Trip to break my rules and see how I respond. Clearly getting mad at my own mother would incite ridiculous guilt, that for her to watch must be almost like a fortune-teller watching a self-fulling prophecy come to be. For the time being, I chose to ignore the response.)
"Did you play?"
"Yeah." Getting information out of a two-year old who does nothing but ask "why" all day and therefore should know very well what it means to answer a question is a billion times harder than it should be.
"What did you play?"
"Umm... played trains..." He has this really cute way of dragging out the words in a list while he thinks of the next thing to add, "cars... puzzles... books on Gamma's lap..." At this point, a terrible sadness overcomes his entire face, his eyes fills with tears and his lower lip sticks out and begins to quiver. Enough to break a mother's heart.
"Kiddo, what's wrong?"
"Gamma got mad."
This does not surprise me even a little bit, my mother has the patience of a fly (something, I might add, I perhaps inherited just a little bit of), but it still upsets me, obviously. "Why did Gamma get mad?"
"'Cause I peed."
"Because you peed?" I have the brilliant ability to extrapolate (something the Unsupportive Louse is completely inept at), and you see, the Energizer Bunny is in the process of being potty trained (or potty-taught or learned or whatever politically correct but grammatically incorrect phrase you prefer to use) and still has occasional accidents. So I asked, "Did you pee in your underwear?"
Looking at the floor, full of shame, "Yeah."
"And Gamma was upset?" This seems extreme to me even for my mother to get mad at a two-year old simply for having an accident.
He looks up at me, eyes brimming with tears, "'Cause I peed on her lap." I did everything in my willpower to keep from laughing at this hilarious scene: my perfectly composed mother in her freshly pressed slacks discovering the warm feel of pee on her leg.
A tiny tear trickles out of one eye. It's amazing the power a single real tear has over me. "Gamma don'nt wanna come over any-more 'cause I peed."
The guilt trip. I can hear it now, "Gamma isn't going to want to come over anymore if you pee on her."
Way to start 'em young Gamma Guilt-Trip, way to start 'em young.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Can You Feel the LOOOOVE Tonight?
To give me a break from my single parenting, the Unsupportive Louse came home early one day and made dinner!! No way! I was allowed to put my feet up...and chase the Energizer Bunny, set the table, fan the smoke detector and otherwise calmly relax while my dinner was prepared for me.
And dinner was fantastic. (No really, it actually was. Like FanTAStic. No exaggeration. Nothing was even burnt. The smoke detector might have just been having a little fun with me. Like the Energizer Bunny when he sees me sit down. It just makes them want to f*(k with me a bit, you know?)
So after dinner (which may have been just a teansy little bit later than we normally eat dinner) and the lengthy clean-up (which may have seemed like a lot more of a clean-up than we normally have when I make dinner), the Unsupportive Louse makes some very romantic and classy comment in regards to doing me, like, "I can't wait to do you later."
Remember I've been single-parenting for two months now, so I respond, "What if I'm too tired?"
"It doesn't matter, I made dinner, I have free access to your pants."
And dinner was fantastic. (No really, it actually was. Like FanTAStic. No exaggeration. Nothing was even burnt. The smoke detector might have just been having a little fun with me. Like the Energizer Bunny when he sees me sit down. It just makes them want to f*(k with me a bit, you know?)
So after dinner (which may have been just a teansy little bit later than we normally eat dinner) and the lengthy clean-up (which may have seemed like a lot more of a clean-up than we normally have when I make dinner), the Unsupportive Louse makes some very romantic and classy comment in regards to doing me, like, "I can't wait to do you later."
Remember I've been single-parenting for two months now, so I respond, "What if I'm too tired?"
"It doesn't matter, I made dinner, I have free access to your pants."
Monday, March 1, 2010
Famous By Association
There's the cutest little story posted on Everydayfiction.com called Conversation with a Giant:
http://www.everydayfiction.com/conversation-with-a-giant-by-kate-sheeran/
Of course you should all read the story because it's cute, and give it a good rating because it's cute. But let's focus on the more important things here - me.
You see, the author, Kate Sheeran (who is clearly now famous, being a published author and all) is my critique partner. Which means I critiqued that cute story. Which means I am famous by association. So make sure you read it and give it a good rating because it makes me look better. Thank you very much.
http://www.everydayfiction.com/conversation-with-a-giant-by-kate-sheeran/
Of course you should all read the story because it's cute, and give it a good rating because it's cute. But let's focus on the more important things here - me.
You see, the author, Kate Sheeran (who is clearly now famous, being a published author and all) is my critique partner. Which means I critiqued that cute story. Which means I am famous by association. So make sure you read it and give it a good rating because it makes me look better. Thank you very much.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Abandoned Blog
Obnoxious Teenager Blogreader #1: Dude, does anyone even live here? I swear I haven't seen movement in like...weeks.
Obnoxious Teenager Blogreader #2: No, man, I think the place is abandoned.
Obnoxious Teenager Blogreader #1: Really? You think?
Obnoxious Teenager Blogreader #2: Betcha anything. Watch this. (Proceeds to throw stones at computer screen.)
Friendly Neighborhood Blogger: Hey, you kids leave that poor blog alone!
Obnoxious Teenage Blogreaders log off for their lives.
Jokes on you, kids, I couldn't see any cracks on this screen through the fingerprint smudge and grime of the Energizer Bunny even if it WEREN'T plastic and shatter proof.
Understanding has occurred to me why there aren't all that many single parent bloggers in the blogosphere. It's because they're too f*ing tired!! (All single parents should feel free to brag about yourselves if you even have time to read this...)
Obnoxious Teenager Blogreader #2: No, man, I think the place is abandoned.
Obnoxious Teenager Blogreader #1: Really? You think?
Obnoxious Teenager Blogreader #2: Betcha anything. Watch this. (Proceeds to throw stones at computer screen.)
Friendly Neighborhood Blogger: Hey, you kids leave that poor blog alone!
Obnoxious Teenage Blogreaders log off for their lives.
Jokes on you, kids, I couldn't see any cracks on this screen through the fingerprint smudge and grime of the Energizer Bunny even if it WEREN'T plastic and shatter proof.
Understanding has occurred to me why there aren't all that many single parent bloggers in the blogosphere. It's because they're too f*ing tired!! (All single parents should feel free to brag about yourselves if you even have time to read this...)
Friday, February 19, 2010
Fabulous Fitness Fridays
Buy smaller glasses.
We are lucky enough to have the Energizer Bunny to teach us this lesson – by breaking a majority of our large glass glasses, we had to purchase new ones. While in the store, I actually took the time to look at the ounce size on the side of the boxes (don’t worry, the Energizer Bunny only broke one glass during the entire shopping trip!!)
Would you believe the most common size glass in the store is 16oz? Even the short squat ones that you think are smaller are only 2 or 4oz smaller. There is nothing we need to drink 16oz of at one sitting. Not juice, not tea, certainly not soda. Not even milk! Water, sure, you’re right, but you know what? Walking back to the tap a second time is only going to help us in our fantastic quest for fitness. =)
We are lucky enough to have the Energizer Bunny to teach us this lesson – by breaking a majority of our large glass glasses, we had to purchase new ones. While in the store, I actually took the time to look at the ounce size on the side of the boxes (don’t worry, the Energizer Bunny only broke one glass during the entire shopping trip!!)
Would you believe the most common size glass in the store is 16oz? Even the short squat ones that you think are smaller are only 2 or 4oz smaller. There is nothing we need to drink 16oz of at one sitting. Not juice, not tea, certainly not soda. Not even milk! Water, sure, you’re right, but you know what? Walking back to the tap a second time is only going to help us in our fantastic quest for fitness. =)
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Single Parenting is Cake
Seriously, I don’t know what all these single moms have been complaining about for years.
The Unsupportive Louse has been writing his thesis these past few weeks, as it seems his lifelong stint as a student is about to come to an end, of course the only reason you should care about this fact right now is because it leaves me as an almost single parent.
So, the Energizer Bunny and I have been having a grand time, just the two of us. And I’ve decided being a single parent is really quite easy.
The Energizer Bunny always gets a well-balanced diet – as long as you count processed cheese as dairy, freeze-dried packaged vegetables as real food, graham crackers as a source of grains and fruit snacks as fruit (they ARE Welchs; made with real fruit AND no high fructose corn syrup!!)
And the Energizer Bunny always gets plenty of exercise, for though I can’t be entirely sure what my 2 ½ year old is doing out in the backyard without me, as I really don’t have the time to watch him, I’m sure it involves movement (and movement is always exercise, right?), and that doesn’t even include the putting on and taking off of jackets and boots and hats and gloves and the help he gives me cleaning up all the snow he’s tracked all over the hardwood floor… I DO know that the couch and armchairs can double as trampolines and serving bowls can effectively become basketball hoops and stairs can work perfectly well as a sledding hill.
He always gets to bed on time…or somewhere near bedtime. As long as an hour past is still considered “somewhere near,” and as long as getting to bed doesn’t necessarily include the actual act of going to sleep.
He is bathed regularly. At least every 3rd day, but come on, it’s not like we don’t wash his hands constantly. Or at very least after he goes potty. And just because the 3rd day happens to coincide with the evenings the Unsupportive Louse comes home just before bedtime (or, you know, slightly after) doesn’t really mean I couldn’t have done it by myself.
The house is absolutely SPOTLESS, if you compare it to Ms. Cleanly and Mr. Communicative's...
And personally, I think my hair looks very nice when it’s greasy. It’s a fashion statement I’m sure will catch on soon. And there’s no hygienic or other real reason to shave my legs more than monthly. And I’m fairly certain my lack of progress at work has nothing to do with my lack of sleep.
And of course, all real single moms are sure to get the one night off a week (free of charge) that the Unsupportive Louse generously allows me, plus a free handy-man (albeit a rather incompetent one) who can rub his chin and nod at the little problems that arise during the rest of the week – like the sliding glass door that won’t close or the ridiculous draft coming in from the garage door, or the car that just won’t start one morning – and effectively fix them just by the virtue of being a man and having been told.
So really, all you single parents out there, my hat’s off to you.
The Unsupportive Louse has been writing his thesis these past few weeks, as it seems his lifelong stint as a student is about to come to an end, of course the only reason you should care about this fact right now is because it leaves me as an almost single parent.
So, the Energizer Bunny and I have been having a grand time, just the two of us. And I’ve decided being a single parent is really quite easy.
The Energizer Bunny always gets a well-balanced diet – as long as you count processed cheese as dairy, freeze-dried packaged vegetables as real food, graham crackers as a source of grains and fruit snacks as fruit (they ARE Welchs; made with real fruit AND no high fructose corn syrup!!)
And the Energizer Bunny always gets plenty of exercise, for though I can’t be entirely sure what my 2 ½ year old is doing out in the backyard without me, as I really don’t have the time to watch him, I’m sure it involves movement (and movement is always exercise, right?), and that doesn’t even include the putting on and taking off of jackets and boots and hats and gloves and the help he gives me cleaning up all the snow he’s tracked all over the hardwood floor… I DO know that the couch and armchairs can double as trampolines and serving bowls can effectively become basketball hoops and stairs can work perfectly well as a sledding hill.
He always gets to bed on time…or somewhere near bedtime. As long as an hour past is still considered “somewhere near,” and as long as getting to bed doesn’t necessarily include the actual act of going to sleep.
He is bathed regularly. At least every 3rd day, but come on, it’s not like we don’t wash his hands constantly. Or at very least after he goes potty. And just because the 3rd day happens to coincide with the evenings the Unsupportive Louse comes home just before bedtime (or, you know, slightly after) doesn’t really mean I couldn’t have done it by myself.
The house is absolutely SPOTLESS, if you compare it to Ms. Cleanly and Mr. Communicative's...
And personally, I think my hair looks very nice when it’s greasy. It’s a fashion statement I’m sure will catch on soon. And there’s no hygienic or other real reason to shave my legs more than monthly. And I’m fairly certain my lack of progress at work has nothing to do with my lack of sleep.
And of course, all real single moms are sure to get the one night off a week (free of charge) that the Unsupportive Louse generously allows me, plus a free handy-man (albeit a rather incompetent one) who can rub his chin and nod at the little problems that arise during the rest of the week – like the sliding glass door that won’t close or the ridiculous draft coming in from the garage door, or the car that just won’t start one morning – and effectively fix them just by the virtue of being a man and having been told.
So really, all you single parents out there, my hat’s off to you.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Meaning of Life
We all know how two-year olds love their "Why?"s and the Energizer Bunny is no different.
So I can't say I was shocked last night after rushing to his bedside following a torturous scream of "MOOOOOOMMMAAA!" his first word to me was, "Why?"
Sighing, I asked, "Why what, kiddo?"
"Why WHY?" came the sad, desperate question.
And really, how does one answer such a question?
So I can't say I was shocked last night after rushing to his bedside following a torturous scream of "MOOOOOOMMMAAA!" his first word to me was, "Why?"
Sighing, I asked, "Why what, kiddo?"
"Why WHY?" came the sad, desperate question.
And really, how does one answer such a question?
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