It seems now that I’m visibly pregnant, everyone wants to tell me their baby story. Some I actually care about, others I couldn’t give a rat’s ass if I tried. But I pretend like the best of them. Probably why they keep talking.
Perhaps I should rethink this great pretending skill of mine?
But not the point, the point is recently, I’ve had several people, especially men, tell me they were “not NOT trying, you know?” when they got pregnant.
No, dipshit, I don’t know.
‘Cause here’s the thing – were you having sex? Without a condom? Without pills? Without a patch or a ring or some spermicide? Or even without the 23% effective rhythm method? And haven’t you, for your ENTIRE life before been terrified of doing precisely what you were doing because you might’ve knocked the girl up? Right. You’re fucking trying. Just because you’re not seeing a doctor or taking hormones or giving your wife a daily shot in her ass or harvesting her eggs doesn’t mean you’re not trying.
You’re doing it, without protection. Joyfully. Not because you’re stupid or drunk or just that fricking horny. You’re god damn TRYING. Just because you haven’t looked at ovulation calendars or bought ovulation kits or taken a temperature daily, or even felt that nasty discharge doesn’t mean you’re not trying.
Oh, and really…just because YOU haven’t? Doesn’t mean your wife hasn’t. You want my opinion? Most of those women telling their husbands they're just going to not NOT try is her way of convincing their dumb ass to try because they were too much of a pansy to actually try.
So next time? Ask for a blowjob. That’ll convince me you’re not not trying.